So shine your light;

"There was a bus that went round and round Montjuïc during the Barcelona Games of 1992. It was while riding it that I realised that I could get off at any stop, walk in and witness the most important day of somebody's life – the day to which all other days had been leading." -Simon Barnes, The Times


I will post about seasons soon :')

I feel so happy happy happy (: 

I don't think I'll ever forget this feeling, ever. I have the nicest, most genuine people around me and I love them to bits, I'm so glad that I'm able to share a part of my life with them and I don't ever want to forget it/lose these people (:

So so thankful for my teammates, JAMES, F3, and many many other people who I hold dear! So blessed to have been part of their lives and so glad to be a part of theirs (: Really thank God for them!

Today was rewarding, and I am going to persevere and I WILL SCORE AGAINST MJC!!! 
Today was lovely, I love having the people I love around me, even if I already spend so much time with them but it'll all be ending soon, I want to hold these people close to me and not let them go. 
Today was fulfilling, albeit tiring, and I love this satisfaction and knowing that every thing has paid off, if not previously, at least today, in the playing time, in that half-court assist, in the shots I took, in the attacks that I stopped, in the power-throughs down the boards.

Who cares what anyone thinks? This time is just for us, here and now and I'm not going to let anyone's opinions/views/mutterings steal it away from me (:

It's like I'm filled to the brim. Don't think I have space for anything else just yet. Need to increase my capacity. Need to stop mindless panicking and start useful learning. Need to be calm and play with my head. Need to not let my heart get in the way. Need to conquer these butterflies. Need to stop letting fear and irrational thought take control.

Selfish, I know. But how else? Being there deprives another person. But then? Sacrifice yourself for the sake of a greater and common purpose. Not very sure if I am strong enough do that. Just gotta keep pushing, striving, doing my best and pray that everything will be okay.

The nervous pangs are back again.

I don't even know how to get rid of it, it just comes all of a sudden when I'm doing something completely unrelated. Then this thought surfaces in my mind and I lose all concentration on the task at hand.

It's definitely just butterflies, more nervous anticipation than freaking out. But it's this nagging thought in my head that just won't go away.

I'm thankful for the opportunity, thankful that I'm fit enough to play and well, almost guaranteed a spot in the first two lines. I'm glad that I am young enough and fit enough to be able to be part of a sport like this. Embracing my youth and my prime. In some ways I can completely emphasize with Lurie, I am scared of growing old and feeling the strength and power in my limbs decrease. I dread the day when I realize that I'm no longer as fast as I used to be and I cannot push my body in the way I used to. So yes, I'm thankful that I can play and will play this Friday, but that doesn't mean I can't get scared.

It's been about a year since we started training back at SALT, with Nicole teaching us how to pass and do close control while slowly increasing our fitness. It's been a long journey and I've been through so much, learnt so much. I wouldn't have made any other decision despite the things I've had to give up for this. Throughout this entire journey however, we've been told that it's one year to A Divs, 6 months, 3 months, 2, and now it's less than a week away. It seems very very surreal and I don't want it to start because it means that it's gonna end soon. I don't feel prepared, and I don't feel that it's been long enough - there's still so much for me to learn, for us to learn as a team and I want to learn more. I don't want to go into that court just yet, just give me another week, another month, I want to soak in the experience once more, with this team, before it all ends.

I don't want to end it with regrets. I think that's the thing I'm most afraid of. Afraid that I'll have regrets and that I'll let down the team by letting in a sloppy goal or by losing a challenge in our half. This past year has been tough, and we've had nothing to show for it yet. And I want to be able to have something to show for it, just so that all our efforts are recognized.

This is an incoherent jumble of thoughts, and pent up emotions. I wish I could write better and more coherently but that's not important now. I just need to release all these feelings out and I'm not caring how it sounds to anyone else.

I'm jealous of the St Margs girls, though they didn't make it far this time but they still have a few more years together, as a team with the same people fighting beside them. They are already so good, and they still have so many more years to improve, together. I think I'm gonna continue playing, after this, but it won't be the same. It's not gonna be with these people, whom I picked up the sport with, whom i've laughed with, cried with, shouted at. With these people that I have grown to love.

I want this. And I've never strived for something so hard before alongside someone else. All I can do is to put in my best, and hope that it'll be enough.

Finally <3 Love this dude (: 

Oh dear just a short while ago I felt strangely calm though I was Terribly Unprepared but now as I am looking at essays I am starting to get nervous WHAT IF I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WRITE oh dear me. 


Why can't it just all be over right now?? Then I can continue on with the rest of my life IN PEACE without this dread and terror hanging over me. And well after it's all over the tutors can keep my papers for all they like i don't exactly want them back, even if I did brilliantly for all my block test papers IT DOESN'T MATTER ALL THAT MATTERS IS A LEVELS. And Prelims I guess.

OH DEAR ME. 

I feel contented!

I haven't blogged here in ages. Today was a long day. I went for the PAE test in the morning and played against RV in a friendly after that. I watched Wicked yesterday. End of update about my life!

I think as the days go past I'm becoming less and less coherent - the thoughts pass through my mind in complete sentences but when they come out they just disintegrate into...bits of words glued together by me.

There are times when I feel inferior - to another person's brains, logic, creativity, wittiness, opinions, passions, and I wonder what I have that others may want. All I seem to have is heart. That should be enough, right?

Anyway! One term has passed! It's terrifying how time is passing so quickly. It's been a lovely term though. I'm so thankful for my friends and my teammates and my family and my CG! I hope no one takes them away from me, ever, not Time, not Doubt, not Fear, not Age, not Ambition, not Distance. That the people I have around me in this time will stay around me. Will stay with me and be my friends till we all grow long white eyebrows.

Nationals are coming up roar rah reh everything is gonna work out yes it will. Gotta get my head in the game.

I blow at the hands of the clock sitting on my desk, willing it to move faster, just a little bit faster. Wanting it to move faster so that time can pass quicker, and I'd be spared of this uncertainty. The uncertainty of whether choices will be right, of whether what my heart tells me to do is the best path for me, and whether I'd ever ever figure out what exactly to do about -- 

All I can do, however, is sit and stare and the hands of the clock, watching the seconds tick by ever so slowly.

If only.

Having a very amusing conference call with Tiffany Regine and Xinyi now, outing planners! (: 

I've been amazingly blessed with brilliant and caring leaders who love so much. They may be younger than me but I'm so much more inferior; they care about the heart and the person while I tend to care about the job and the end result. So much to learn, so thankful for their presence in my life. 

Today was nice and happy and one of the best days of the year so far! (Bhutan excluded because every day in Bhutan was lovely). Spent the day in school feeling happy after the decision I made, and spent the time after school doing CNY shopping with Jeanie Jolene Xinyi Jiayi Regine and they gave me a lot of uh fashion advice hahahah pretty girls ^^ 

Tomorrow is CNY! Looking forward to so many things, to goodies and meeting relatives and CG reunion dinner and maybe slotting in SATs/watching movies in between! It's gonna be awesome (:

And yes, think I'm gonna give it one last shot. Taking a chance here but second chances, right? It better be worth it. 

I've been running away, and hiding.

Training has been kind of relaxed now, because coach has been focusing on B div! It means no PT for us and that's not necessarily very good for us I shall run some time before the next training!! Don't want to be caught off guard when coach suddenly throws us 25 sets of stairs or something. I realised intensive sports is quite scary, many of my teammates are starting to have various body parts breaking down as a result of training. Mine too ): I have two knuckle scars from random bleeding during training (which I have no idea what the source of it was) scars on my elbows from bridge, ankles that feel loose and hurt alternately, and knees that feel the same way as my ankles. Oh wells but price to pay! -grits teeth- i have ankle guards and knee guards on standby whenever I need them ^^ Afraid that I'll increase my reliance on them though ): Apparently they stop blood circulation or something I have no idea. 

In other news, school has been tiring. Or rather I have been noob and sleeping at 1 regularly for this whole week doing i have no idea what - procrastinating I guess why so noob argh. Today was a grumpy day because of surprise geog test + econs test + not enough space to write on the econs test paper + being sleepy + .... then explosion. Hate it when I burst out but when I get annoyed I tend to get very annoyed. Sigh bad side bad side need to improve!

SATs soon too! Really need to practice more ): Haiyooo.

Been thinking about studying overseas, and now I'm tending towards not studying overseas. Idk if it'll be worth it, and honestly I think I may be a bit too noob and scared to survive out there. Plus what if I get into bad company and become different!!!! And when I come back everyone will have their own lives and it'll be so terribly hard to fit in again. Aish. Plus there is the issue of church, I really don''t want to uproot myself all over again and find another place. Sigh but I shall keep my options open!! 

Haiyo so noob. Noob noob resolve to do something and then dig up all my own old things. Too much residue, too much and I guess I do need to resolve it. Why can't I just leave all my old things there and let someone clear it up/fix them for me? Haiyo.