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I will post about seasons soon :')
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starofchocolate's journal
It's like I'm filled to the brim. Don't think I have space for anything else just yet. Need to increase my capacity. Need to stop mindless panicking and start useful learning. Need to be calm and play with my head. Need to not let my heart get in the way. Need to conquer these butterflies. Need to stop letting fear and irrational thought take control.
Selfish, I know. But how else? Being there deprives another person. But then? Sacrifice yourself for the sake of a greater and common purpose. Not very sure if I am strong enough do that. Just gotta keep pushing, striving, doing my best and pray that everything will be okay.
The nervous pangs are back again.
I don't even know how to get rid of it, it just comes all of a sudden when I'm doing something completely unrelated. Then this thought surfaces in my mind and I lose all concentration on the task at hand.
It's definitely just butterflies, more nervous anticipation than freaking out. But it's this nagging thought in my head that just won't go away.
I'm thankful for the opportunity, thankful that I'm fit enough to play and well, almost guaranteed a spot in the first two lines. I'm glad that I am young enough and fit enough to be able to be part of a sport like this. Embracing my youth and my prime. In some ways I can completely emphasize with Lurie, I am scared of growing old and feeling the strength and power in my limbs decrease. I dread the day when I realize that I'm no longer as fast as I used to be and I cannot push my body in the way I used to. So yes, I'm thankful that I can play and will play this Friday, but that doesn't mean I can't get scared.
It's been about a year since we started training back at SALT, with Nicole teaching us how to pass and do close control while slowly increasing our fitness. It's been a long journey and I've been through so much, learnt so much. I wouldn't have made any other decision despite the things I've had to give up for this. Throughout this entire journey however, we've been told that it's one year to A Divs, 6 months, 3 months, 2, and now it's less than a week away. It seems very very surreal and I don't want it to start because it means that it's gonna end soon. I don't feel prepared, and I don't feel that it's been long enough - there's still so much for me to learn, for us to learn as a team and I want to learn more. I don't want to go into that court just yet, just give me another week, another month, I want to soak in the experience once more, with this team, before it all ends.
I don't want to end it with regrets. I think that's the thing I'm most afraid of. Afraid that I'll have regrets and that I'll let down the team by letting in a sloppy goal or by losing a challenge in our half. This past year has been tough, and we've had nothing to show for it yet. And I want to be able to have something to show for it, just so that all our efforts are recognized.
This is an incoherent jumble of thoughts, and pent up emotions. I wish I could write better and more coherently but that's not important now. I just need to release all these feelings out and I'm not caring how it sounds to anyone else.
I'm jealous of the St Margs girls, though they didn't make it far this time but they still have a few more years together, as a team with the same people fighting beside them. They are already so good, and they still have so many more years to improve, together. I think I'm gonna continue playing, after this, but it won't be the same. It's not gonna be with these people, whom I picked up the sport with, whom i've laughed with, cried with, shouted at. With these people that I have grown to love.
I want this. And I've never strived for something so hard before alongside someone else. All I can do is to put in my best, and hope that it'll be enough.
I feel contented!
I haven't blogged here in ages. Today was a long day. I went for the PAE test in the morning and played against RV in a friendly after that. I watched Wicked yesterday. End of update about my life!
I think as the days go past I'm becoming less and less coherent - the thoughts pass through my mind in complete sentences but when they come out they just disintegrate into...bits of words glued together by me.
There are times when I feel inferior - to another person's brains, logic, creativity, wittiness, opinions, passions, and I wonder what I have that others may want. All I seem to have is heart. That should be enough, right?
Anyway! One term has passed! It's terrifying how time is passing so quickly. It's been a lovely term though. I'm so thankful for my friends and my teammates and my family and my CG! I hope no one takes them away from me, ever, not Time, not Doubt, not Fear, not Age, not Ambition, not Distance. That the people I have around me in this time will stay around me. Will stay with me and be my friends till we all grow long white eyebrows.
Nationals are coming up roar rah reh everything is gonna work out yes it will. Gotta get my head in the game.